The Afterlife
by icecream401
Summary: When Sally dies and leaves her son behind, what will she encounter in the Underworld?
1. Chapter 1: Bad News

**I don't own "Son of Magic"; Haley and Rick Riordan do! That's where I got the idea for this story. It's like way past midnight, but I've got to do it. I do my best thinking late at night. Please read and review.**

**This is after all the wars, assuming everybody lives and stuff…**

**CHAPTER 1 – BAD NEWS**

**Percy's POV**

As I sat with my mom in her hospital room, I couldn't help thinking, "What does it feel like to die?" I've been to the Underworld on a number of occasions, but I've been alive during those. It must be easier to go there when you're dead, right?

My mom's heart monitor was beeping slowly. _BEEP! BEEP! BEEP_! Annabeth was at home with our two kids, Daphne and Melina.

Daphne and Melina were the best kids in the world! Melina's the oldest, and she must've inherited Annabeth's brains. She's so good at school. I've never seen anything below an A on her report cards.

Daphne, on the other hand, had my brains. She's also got a bit of Annabeth's brains inside of her, too. But mostly, she gets into trouble at school, lies to her teachers, and fails most of her tests and quizzes her teachers give her. There was no way she was repeating third grade twice, though!

Anyway, back to the actual story, here, and I should probably explain why I'm here.

About a week ago, I was at the table helping Daphne with her homework (she sucks at math, like me!), Annabeth was at the counter, making meatloaf for dinner that night, and Melina was doing her history homework.

"Percy," said Annabeth, "I burnt my finger."

"Would you like me to kiss it for you?" I asked her.

"Sure, Seaweed Brain!"

I got up, kissed her finger, and sat back down.

All of a sudden, the phone rang. Annabeth went to get it. It must've been a pretty serious call, because all I heard when she went out into the living room was: "NO WAY!"

I decided not to panic, because Annabeth tends to overreact. Maybe Aphrodite's statue had a scratch on it, and she was on the phone with Annabeth. But, then again, she probably would've appeared in front of us, yelling at Annabeth to fix her statue!

Annabeth came back out of the living room. "Percy, it's for you."

"Hello?"

"Hi, son," Poseidon's voice said. "Guess who?"

"Yeah, dad. I know it's you. What's going on?"

"I'm at the hospital right now."

"What? You get in another chariot crash again?"

"No, son. It's your mother."

"Oh, gods! Did you get her pregnant again?"

"No! I've moved on from her anyway! No, not really. Anyway, I guess she and Paul were at a writing conference, and there was a fire. Paul's fine, but your mother went back inside to save someone's life. She's badly burnt, Perseus, and they're not sure if she's going to make it. So, I'd like you to pack some things and meet me outside your door in ten minutes."

"Okay, dad. See you then." I hung up the phone, and quickly told my family what happened. "C'mon, guys. Pack your homework. Annabeth, we'll get food that'll get us fat. We're going to the hospital."

**Poseidon's POV**

Percy, Annabeth, and the kids were waiting outside for me, just like I'd told them to be. Percy and I threw their things in the back of my chariot, and we headed off to the hospital.

"Hi, there," I said to the sexy receptionist. She sort of looked like Aphrodite. "We're here to see Sally Jackson. I'm her husband."

"That's weird, 'cause that guy over there says he's her husband."

"Oh, he's drunk."

"Doesn't seem to be."

I snapped my fingers, activating the Mist. "I'm her husband."

She blinked. "Guess so. Okay, sir, she's in the ICU ward. Room 24-A. Here's a map of the hospital."

"Thanks," I replied. "C'mon, guys."

I snapped my fingers a second time, and Paul slumped out of the waiting room chair onto the floor. No, I didn't kill him! I knocked him unconscious so I could have Sally all to myself. When I was done, I'd wake him back up. End of story.

**Annabeth's POV**

As we were walking down the hall to the ICU ward, I heard some noises in the other rooms. I heard someone throwing up (ew!), I heard someone's heart monitor beeping, and I heard a doctor yelling, "C'mon, Piper! PUSH! THE BABY'S ALMOST OUT!"

I peeked into the room. Piper and Jason were having their first kid. Jason had called last night, saying that Piper was in labor. I didn't expect her to be here. I expected her to be on Olympus.

When we arrived in Sally's room, a curtain was cutting the other patient off. Sally was lying in bed, severely burnt from head to toe. She had clothes on to cover some of her body, and all I saw was her stomach, feet, arms, and head, which looked absolutely terrible.

In addition to have IV tubes all over her body, she had breathing tubes in her throat and up her nose, too. She must've been so badly burnt that she was unable to breathe on her own, and her body was slowly shutting itself down.

Poseidon went over to Sally, bowed his head, and held her hand. I wasn't sure if he was praying, or crying, or trying not to scream. He looked like he wanted to do all three.

"Girls," I said, "let's go wait outside."

My nine-year-old Melina stared at me with teary eyes. "Mommy? Is Grandma Sally gonna die?"

"I hope not," I said. "C'mon, Daphne. Stop touching the IV bag."

"But it's cool-looking!" Daphne screamed.

"Let's go. Now," I hissed at her, taking both my girls by the hands and dragging them outside. When we were finally out of the room, I heard a few sniffles from both god and demigod, which were followed by whimpers, which were followed by cries.

**I know, I know. I suck for killing off Sally. No flames. Review, pretty please. Love, Icy!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Pyre

**Hi, everyone! Thanks for those who've reviewed so far! If you have any ideas on Sally's adventure through the Underworld, PM me!**

**This is probably the last chapter with everyone else's POV. I will make everything after this point Sally's POV. I won't just go right to it, though. I need to actually have Sally die first. Sorry this chapter may seem sad, but I'll try to make the funeral part funny.**

**CHAPTER 2: THE PYRE**

**Percy's POV**

A week later, we were all sitting down to dinner. I thought I'd have Poseidon over, just to make him feel better about mom. Paul came over, too, and while Melina and Daphne did their homework in their rooms, we sat and talked about mom for a while.

And then the phone rang.

Both Poseidon and Paul ran to get it. Paul got to it first. "Hello?" he said.

There was a long silence as Poseidon and Paul looked at each other. Finally, Paul seemed to think it was the best time to put it on speaker.

"Mr. Blofis? Are you still there?" asked a sweet voice.

"Yep. I'm still here," Paul replied.

"Good. Your wife isn't recovering, so we'd like to have you come down to the hospital to—" She stopped. "Yes, Dr. Crest. I'll tell them. Thank you." She focused her attention back to us. "Unfortunately, Mr. Blofis, Sally just passed away. If you'd like to see her before we carry her off to the mortuary to be embalmed—"

"Yes! Yes, we'd like to see her!" both Poseidon and Paul screamed.

"Kids!" Annabeth yelled. "Grab your stuff! We're going to the hospital!"

"But I'm not sick!" yelled Daphne.

"Me neither," Melina agreed.

"Girls…" Annabeth's voice broke. "Grandma Sally just died…a few minutes ago, I'm assuming."

I peered over the railing at my daughters. Daphne and Melina both got tears in their eyes. They'd known my mom their whole life. When Melina was born and Annabeth and I had to work, she'd always be there to watch Melina. And when Daphne was being born, she'd be the first one in the hospital to see her.

I wasn't crying…yet. But I was pretty sure I was going to.

As we drove to the hospital, the entire car was quiet. We didn't stop to get dinner. We didn't put any music on for the girls. We didn't even speak to each other. The only time we spoke was to correct one another about the correct route to the hospital.

It was weird, because as we were driving past a park bench, I saw three old hags with knitting needles and a basket of yarn on their laps. They were knitting these ugly socks that made me sick to my stomach if I looked at them, because I knew who these old ladies were: the Fates.

In Greek mythology, the Fates are responsible for "cutting the life thread" of a person who's ready to die. And just as we were driving past them, I saw the middle one take out a huge pair of scissors, aim it at the thread, and snipped it in half.

When we arrived at the hospital, we were lead to my mom's room by a doctor in scrubs and a mask. He showed us my mom's bed, and told us that we could only see her for a few minutes, because they'd like to embalm her.

"Can I get the hospital pastor for you?" asked the doctor.

"No, thank you," said Annabeth politely. "We're Greek."

"We have Greek people, too, ma'am," said the doctor. He came back five minutes later with some guy named Dimitri. "This is Dimitri, and he's responsible for setting up the Greek funerals at this hospital."

"Oh, thank you, sir," said Poseidon. "But we've already made arrangements at the Mount Olympus Funeral Home."

Dimitri cussed all of us out in Latin, and disappeared down the hall.

The doctor gave us a few minutes to say our final goodbyes to my mom, and covered her up in a winding sheet.

I'm Percy Jackson. I don't cry! But I cried that day…all over Annabeth. We all cried on each other, even Paul and Poseidon cried a lot, too.

"I must go to Olympus and actually arrange this funeral," said Poseidon. "Zeus is going to be pretty angry with it, but I'll have Aphrodite Charmspeak him or something." And he was gone.

**Thanatos' POV**

I was sitting in my desk in the Palace of Hades. There were so many deaths I had to oversee today. I am Death, if that's easier, but it's not easy to keep track of all the stuff I have to do.

On top of being the god of death, I also have to embalm all the bodies. Sure, some of the undertakers could do it, but if Lord Hades gets too impatient, I have to do it for him. It's just faster that way. At least some of the undertakers in the world are my children.

My assistant Nico di Angelo came in. Nico's not really my assistant, though. Lord Hades appointed him to the job after he wouldn't stop complaining for hours on end that he didn't have a freaking life. Hades threatened to break my scythe if I didn't let him become my assistant, so of course, I said yes.

Nico came up to my desk. "Hey, Thanatos," he said in a monotone, "this mortal chick just died. They're about ready to embalm her at the hospital in Manhattan, New York. Lord Poseidon has ordered you do it. He loved that woman very much."

"Thank you, Nico," I said, smiling evilly at him. "Run along and play now."

Nico skipped like some happy moron son of Hades out the door.

I read the memo and sighed to myself. I guess I'd better get my butt up there, I thought.

When I arrived at the hospital, I sneaked up behind the mortician and breathed in his face. Yeah, I can knock people out with my breath. It's not THAT bad, but it must be bad enough to knock people out. Once I'd done that, I quickly put on some medical clothing, got a huge tray of instruments, and headed into the mortuary.

It was freaking cold in there! I felt like I was walking through a freezer. I was even more annoyed that there was a guy already doing Sally's autopsy. Since I already knew what she'd died of, I quickly knocked the guy out and yanked the sharp doctor tools out of his hands. Then I proceeded to embalm Sally. Once I was done, I contacted Poseidon, who came down with a beautiful wooden coffin with blue flowers circling it. I gently laid Sally's body into it, closed the lid, and helped Poseidon transport it to Olympus.

**Percy's POV**

That Saturday—two days later—we had the funeral. It wasn't so bad preparing for it, as it was actually watching it. Beforehand, Poseidon took me aside, tears spilling out of his eyes and sniffling, "Percy, we must do the rituals."

"Oh. Right."

I took the golden drachma from Poseidon's hand, forced my mom's mouth open, and slipped the drachma under her tongue. "Safe journey to Hades, mom. Use this coin to get across the River Styx."

I knew she couldn't hear me, but I thought her soul was still in there for some reason. Honestly, I hadn't spoken in two days to anybody. I'd called in sick to work yesterday, and cried all day today during meals.

Zeus, in his stupid and dumb pinstripe suit, came over to the pair of us. "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Perseus."

I know this is going to sound out of character, but I burst into tears on Zeus. We'd gotten to know each other better as the years went on, despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to be born.

Zeus hugged Poseidon, too, saying how sorry he was. Poseidon hugged his brother, and Zeus patted him on the back to calm him down.

About ten minutes later, the Throne Room on Olympus was full. I took my seat in the front, next to Paul (Zeus had agreed to let him on Olympus just this once), Poseidon, Annabeth, Melina, and Daphne. The other gods were filling the rest of the seats. There were quite a few gods, and even more demigod friends. I saw Jason and Piper there, holding their baby boy. Clarisse and Chris were there, too, both were wearing black and looking very grim.

Finally, Zeus cleared his throat, stood at the podium, and said, "Good morning, everyone. We are here today to mourn the loss of Sally Jackson-Blofis, a wonderful mother, a fantastic wife, and a loving grandmother to her two granddaughters Melina and Daphne Jackson." Zeus said a bunch of stuff, I said a few words about my mom (though it was really hard to get out), and so did Poseidon and Paul. Both of them held it together better than I did.

All the gods and demigods stood up.

"Please make your way to the coffin and say your final goodbyes to Sally as she leaves this life, and passes into the Underworld," Zeus ordered the crowd. One by one, the gods and demigods filed up to the coffin, said a prayer for my mom, and went back to their seats. "Thank you for attending today's funeral," Zeus said. "Now, I need Ares up here, please. He'll be helping me place the coffin on the funeral pyre."

Ares, dressed in a simple black suit and tie, came up to the coffin, screwed the lid shut, and heaved it onto the pyre with Zeus' help.

Once the coffin was set on the pyre, Zeus lit a match. The wood beneath the coffin began to smoke. It continued to smoke until there was nothing left but a pile of ashes. Zeus collected these ashes, put them in a box, and handed it to Poseidon. I guess we could fight over how it would split later.

Once the ashes were in the box, Zeus released everyone. As I mingled among the crowd, I realized that this was it. My mom was dead. There was no way to stop it. The Fates had snipped her life thread, and she was on her way to the Underworld now.

On the way home, I wondered what she was doing down there. All of the stuff I knew about the Underworld—sort of a lot—I didn't really know how a typical journey began.

**I know it wasn't as funny as I'd planned. But no worries! It shall be funnier!**


	3. Chapter 3: What in Hades is Going On?

**THIS WILL BE OOC, BECAUSE SALLY'S NOT ONE OF THOSE "FUNNY" CHARACTERS.**

**CHAPTER 3: WHAT IN HADES IS GOING ON?**

**Sally's POV**

I knew I was dead, because I felt as light as a feather. At first, I didn't know where I was. My tongue was covering something, so I spat it out. It looked like a coin, maybe one that Percy used at Camp Half-Blood.

"Yeah, I was about to say don't swallow that."

A fit guy was standing right next to me, making me jump.

"Who are you?" I asked him.

"Hermes," the man smiled. "God of messengers. And I also guide dead people to the Underworld." There was a short pause. "And I stalk women. But that's a different story. The point is, you're dead."

"I'm dead?"

"Yeah," Hermes said. He sounded annoyed, as if I should know I was actually dead. "The three Ps are on Olympus at your funeral."

"Who?"

"Poseidon, Paul, and Percy," Hermes snapped. "Let's go. Jeez, you mortal people know nothing."

"We do too!" I yelled at him. "Just…we haven't been around as long as you gods have!"

"All right. I'm sorry. Come this way."

Hermes led me down a street to a place called DOA Recording Studios.

"What's this? A recording studio?" I asked.

"To a mortal like you? Yeah. But it's probably better known as the entrance to Hades."

I'd met Hades before, and he was all depressing and stuff. Plus, he yelled all the time, so I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to be dead. But then I thought of the horrible pain I was in in the hospital, and I immediately changed my mind.

Hermes led me inside the recording studio.

"DAD!" a kid yelled.

"Luke! What are you still doing here?"

A tall blonde boy came up to Hermes. "Well, Charon said if I did some community service, Hades said I could achieve Elysium if I do a good job," Luke explained. He looked at me. "Are you Percy's mom?"

I nodded.

"Welcome to Hell for the rest of your life," he told me, patting me on the back. I guess my body was solid, because his hand didn't go through me like in ghost stories.

"So, what's your punishment?" asked Hermes.

Luke pulled out a long list of chores. "Let's see…stalk hot chicks for Charon to date, stalk little children for Persephone…"

"Wait a sec!" I screamed at him. "That's just wrong."

"Go do your perverted-ness, and I'll take care of Ms. Jackson," said Hermes.

Once Luke left, Hermes led me up to a guy in a French suit. "Hey, Charon," Hermes greeted.

"Well, howdy," Charon said. "You like my new style of clothing?"

"Sure," said Hermes. "Just guiding another soul to the Underworld."

"Name?"

"Sally Jackson-Blofis."

"Oh, yeah! Hades is expecting you. He said he'd like to talk to you personally as soon as you died." Charon cleared his throat loudly. "AHEM! Everyone who I've told to go to Hell can get in the elevator now!"

Only a few people stood up. They looked pretty calm, so I was assuming they were going to Hell the nice way…if there was a nice way.

Hermes led me onto the elevator, and Charon pressed a button. As we went down, Charon's form changed. He remained tall and lean, but his face morphed into a skull. And it was worse than one of those Halloween ones. It looked like there were still arteries and veins sticking out of it, and flesh was dripping off his nose. That made me feel nauseous.

Then I realized that my form was changing, too. My form was becoming transparent. When I rested my hand on the side of the elevator (which had turned into a boat now), my hand went directly through it.

We were now floating down the River Styx, the river of hatred in Greek mythology. I saw a bunch of things that people had lost on their way to death: college diplomas, gold watches, engagement rings, beer bottles (probably Gabe's idea), and I found one of my novels.

"Welcome to…well…Hades!" Charon announced. Everyone got off the boat. "Yeah, hey! Your admission here ain't free!" Charon yelled. "Fork over my money!"

I picked up my spat-out coin and slipped it into Charon's hand. Charon made a face and put it into his pocket. The others gave him their drachmas, too, and the ferryman headed back to the land of the living.

Hermes led me towards a big pavilion. Percy told me all about the Underworld, but it looked like some of it had changed.

The pavilion didn't have that sign on it that said WELCOME, NEWLY DECEASED! Instead, everyone was now in one line. Three judges were sitting on black or platinum thrones, pens in hand, waiting for the next person in line to come up.

"And what is your name?" asked a male's voice.

"That's King Polydectes," said Hermes. "He was the guy who was trying to marry Perseus' mother in mythology. They got him out of the Fields of Punishment to redeem himself."

A small guy came up to him. "I am Dr. Peter Cobbler!" he said loudly.

King Polydectes glanced at his notes in front of him. "Ah, yes. Well, you were a brain surgeon, a wonderful father, and a loving husband. However, I see here that you cheated on your wife many times, ran over an old lady, and got sued for it, seeing she was one of your patients."

"Okay, first of all, I was drunk that night and didn't know where I was. And secondly, I never liked her family anyway."

"What do you think, Shakespeare?" asked King Polydectes.

"Methinks thou should not hath driven drunk in the first place," said William Shakespeare. "Methinks he shall spend eternity in the Fields of Punishment!"

"Mm-hmm," said Polydectes. "And what do you think, Mr. Poe?"

Edgar Allan Poe stood and began to recite his poetry.

"_Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,_

_Over the fact that you shall receive eternity in punishment,_

_While I nodded, nearly napping, Polydectes came a-clapping,_

_He was gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door._

'_Twas him, and he is such a bore._

_The Fields of Punishment, and nothing more."_

"Uh…that was nice," said Polydectes, rolling his eyes. "Okay, Cobbler. I sentence you to eternity in the Fields of Punishment!" He snapped his fingers and Peter's body vanished with a shrill scream.

Hermes led me towards a new setting. To my right, there were a bunch of dead people just walking around.

"The Fields of Asphodel. The most boring place in the Underworld," said Hermes.

Another field showed me a bunch of fire and burning lava.

"Fields of Punishment," said Hermes. "Where people get tortured and stuff."

Finally, I knew this was Elysium, because it looked really happy.

"Come with me," said Hermes, leading me toward a large palace made of obsidian.

Hermes rang the doorbell, and a woman appeared. "May I help you, Lord Hermes?" she asked.

"Yeah, sweetie. Is Hades home?"

"Yes," said the woman. "Who's this?" she asked coldly.

"Oh, this is Sally Jackson. Percy's mother." He turned to me. "Sally, I'd like to you meet Persephone, goddess of flowers." He glanced at Persephone. "Could you be the goddess of something less lame?"

"No! Flowers are pretty and they're an important part of our planet! Stupid!" she raged. "Come inside."

Persephone led us into the throne room of Hades' palace. Hades was on his throne, playing on his iPad. "Hades," said Persephone coldly, "we have visitors."

"Ah, Sally Jackson," said Hades. "Just the person I wanted to talk to."

Uh-oh, I thought. I'm screwed.


	4. Chapter 4: Dump Patrol

**Hope you enjoy it! Please review! Sorry for the wait!**

**WARNING: Some stuff in this chapter involves blood and guts! HAHAHAHAHA! Don't say I didn't warn you!**

**CHAPTER 4: DUMP PATROL**

I bit my lip, looking up at the god of the dead. The only god I'd ever actually met was Poseidon, and I didn't even know how to greet him.

"Hi, Lord Hades," I said, thinking I should start with a general greeting.

"Sally Jackson," said Hades, taking out a huge list of words. "I see you've had a good life, and I was planning on sending you to Elysium. But first, my dove, we must discuss why I cannot do that right now."

Persephone snickered behind my back. I turned around, but Hermes was gone.

"Yes, my lord?" I asked politely.

"Let's take a look at this list," said Hades, a smirk playing around his lips. "Your parents died in a plane wreck. You fell in love with Poseidon, breaking his oath not to have kids after World War II. And you married a bad-smelling man who drinks and smokes and is very fat."

He stopped, so I was assuming I'd get a chance to redeem myself and explain.

"Lord Hades," I said, "my parents died in a plane wreck. That wasn't my fault at all. They were in Lord Zeus' domain. Secondly, Poseidon never told me he'd broken an oath until Percy was born. Then I got pissed at him, and that's that. And thirdly, Gabe's dead, so that's taken care of as well."

"Ah," said Hades. "But the oath thing is still bothering me. So, here's the deal. I'll let you go to Elysium if you do some…things for me." He handed me a long list of chores. "You'd better start now. It'll take you a while to finish."

"How long is a while?" I asked.

"Oh…maybe a few months, at least," Persephone said. "Plus, time is difficult here. You could be working for years before this month even ends."

"Well," I said, "guess I'd better start on cleaning the toilets—"

"Oh, no, Sally," Hades said irritably, waving a hand. "You'll start from the top. As soon as we've noticed you've done well, we'll move you up a rank. How's that?"

"Uh…"

"Just do the damn chores," Persephone ordered.

I glanced at the list, my stomach churning. But I was dead, and doesn't your stomach stop churning when you're dead? Death is weird sometimes!

"You're wondering whether you're reading that correctly," Hades said. "Yes, dear, you are. Now, come with me."

Five minutes later, I was standing in front of Cerberus, the three-headed-dog that guards the gates of the Underworld. Percy had told me about this thing, and he didn't seem too psyched about talking about him, either.

In my right hand, I held a shovel. In my left hand, I held a huge bucket. You can guess what my first task was.

Before this, Hades told me he'd probably be treating me like Hercules, because he had assigned me twelve tasks to do. In the myths of Hercules, he did all the tasks, so his reward was immortality. Likewise, if I did all these tasks, my reward was Elysium. Percy said that one of his friends to him that Hercules was a real jerk (like Gabe, come to think of it), but that didn't stop me from doing the first chore.

"How long do I have to do this?" I asked.

"Until he doesn't crap anymore," he said. "And you'd better watch out. Things can get pretty…uh…messy under his bottom. You might want to time one dump from another.

"I have more advice before I go, Sally Jackson. I feed him Magic Puppy's Magic Chunks of Magical Happiness three times a day—breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Since he has only one stomach, that'll take him a few days to poop out. Sometimes—quite often, actually—he washes his meals down with a few humans. He can't digest the humans very well, so he might puke some of those up. I dare say it's worse than his crap. Long story short, it'll take him a few days to poop out his last meal, and he'll throw up some human body parts. Enjoy!" And he bolted off like this was happy news.

I sighed to myself and picked up the shovel. A huge pile of poop was already waiting there for me. I scooped it up with the shovel, but I was too late to do that. I felt a hot, slimy, and mushy substance slide down my neck, drenching the front side of my shirt, and drenching my skin. I looked up. Cerberus had just pooped on my head!

I was a trooper until it came to the first live person to come to Cerberus' domain. Apparently, this was a demigod from Camp Half-Blood (he had on an orange T-shirt and blue jeans). He looked like he was in the middle of a quest. I wanted to tell him to go back to the world above, but I knew it would be no use. Either he'd heard so many dead people say that to him already, or maybe he couldn't see me. Either way, the kid moved in the wrong direction, and Cerberus noticed.

Cerberus picked the kid up in his left mouth, and his right and middle mouths fought for his stomach region.

The kid was screaming, but it didn't last too long. Either Cerberus had rendered him unconscious, or he was actually dead. But the screaming had stopped.

Then I heard Cerberus chewing. Blood was flying everywhere, and a few leftover pieces of the boy's organs went all over the place. It took all my willpower not to throw up.

Cerberus got the kid down (poor kid!), and I continued to scoop his poop.

The worst part of this task isn't scooping the poop, believe it or not. It's just waiting for the next bowel movement. I was sitting in a CLEAN patch of grass, counting the seconds until his next movement. Then I heard something I'd never heard before.

I heard the sound of a stomach rumbling, an almighty gag, and a huge stream of red stuff came shooting out of the middle head. The left and the right head took some time before they retched, too.

I waited until he was finished throwing up. Then, I marched over to the pile of doggie puke and started to shovel it into the bucket. All that time I was scooping puke, I was coming up with a good plan to get Cerberus…

Constipated! That's right! Constipated! As in "I can't poop!" Hades said that I was finished if his dog couldn't poop anymore. So, I naturally thought I should give him something to plug him up. I know, I know, sound gross. But that's what I was thinking.

I quickly ran through all the foods that caused constipation: junk food, milk and dairy products, different medications…

Another bout of dog crap came into the world, and I quickly moved the bucket underneath his butt. Good news: it went inside the bucket. Bad news: it mixed with the vomit, so some kind of came out. Enough said.

But I had a Plan B. If he couldn't get constipated from his normal diet (or me trying to sneak something in without Hades noticing), I could give him a laxative! I'm not talking about castor oil, either. I don't think they even make that junk anymore. Even if they do, I wouldn't have given it to Percy.

Now if there was only some way I could find a laxative that Cerberus could take. That's when I remembered something.

Cerberus apparently didn't feeling like pooping right now, but I left the bucket under his butt just in case.

"Lord Hades!" I screamed. "Do you have doggie laxatives?"

He gave me a funny look. "Why in Hades—ha-ha, that's my name—would you want those?"

"Just in case he gets constipated…that way I don't have to bother you again."

He pondered about it for a few minutes. "All right," he gave in. "I'll get him some laxatives."

Yes! Laxatives make you poop so much that your intestines are empty for a couple of days before they produce dumps again.

Hades brought over the laxatives to me, and I hid them in my pocket. Once he was gone, I showed them to Cerberus. "Who's my wittle puppy?" I cooed to him. "Does puppy want some candies?"

All three of his tongues were hanging out of his mouth. It was cute in a really gross way. From left to right, they each liked up one "candy." And I smiled at the thought that the laxatives would work.

They must've taken a quick effect on his digestive tract, because he stopped pooping. I waited an hour, and found out that he'd crapped into the bucket like a good dog. But I was happy; I didn't have to scoop it up with a shovel anymore.

Three days later, I woke up and Cerberus had pooped out all he could. You know what that means? Hades met me at the gates of the Underworld. He brought Persephone with him, and he carried a clipboard in his right hand, a large pen with a skull at the end of it in his left hand.

"Well, Sally Jackson," Hades croaked, "I cannot believe you've scooped up all of Cerberus' poop. I must say, I'm surprised. I thought a mortal like you could do this task. I thought it would be too hard for you, and you would fail. But I did say you'd make it to Elysium eventually, didn't I?"

I nodded nervously.

"So, it shall be." He handed me a certificate of achievement, like the kind people get when they've completed something not so big, but big enough.

"Your room is ready for you," Persephone said kindly. "If you'll follow me, my dear."

I followed the flower goddess into a rather nice room. I had a king-sized bed all to myself! I had my own bathroom, my own shower, and my own set of servants. I thought that I'd probably lose all that when I went to Elysium. Then I remembered that Elysium was Greek mythology's wonderful paradise, so this seemed like a crappy hotel room compared to what I was going to get. I hope.

"You might as well get into bed right away, dear," Persephone advised. "You'll be up at the crack of dawn to do your second task." Before she walked out of the room, she turned to me one more time. "I will not tell Lord Hades what happened, but I know what you did. We have assigned that task to many mortals who were to achieve Elysium at some point. Out of all of them, yours was the most ingenious, I must say."

"What did the others do?"

"Well, we had this one guy who actually stuck a plunger inside of Cerberus' butt to stop him from pooping. Didn't work."

"I didn't think it would."

"And then we had another guy who thought he could sacrifice himself so he wouldn't have to do the task. What do you think happened to him?"

"You didn't grant him Elysium?" I guessed.

"That's right! We sent him to the Fields of Punishment. If you fail—which you really shouldn't, because I think you're a wonderful dead person—you'll notice him under the sign that says LAZY ASS!" Persephone laughed. "Good night, Sally Jackson. I will be up to wake you at five-thirty. I will feed you Underworld food, but since you are dead, it doesn't matter if you eat it. You can't go back to the land of the living anymore anyway, so why bother thinking about it, right?" She sighed. "I'll cook your meals for you, that is, if you have an appetite after the rest of your tasks. You'll work from seven in the morning to five at night. It's a pretty sweet deal, actually. Well, good night, my dear."

"Good night, Persephone."

**DONE! Longest FanFic chappie I've ever written. Took me two days to do it! 2,000+ words long! So I hope I get a lot of reviews on this one for working so hard!**


	5. Chapter 5: You Want Me to Do That!

**A/N: If this chapter totally blows, I'm sorry. I had to go to a funeral this morning, and I'm still a bit down. I probably shouldn't even be writing this until tomorrow, but I need to update this thing like soon or people will kill me!**

**WARNING: Beware of bad language and gross happenings! Just assume she'll be cursing and stuff for the rest of the novel!**

**CREDIT: ro781727 for your great ideas. Sorry I can't incorporate all of them, but I'll be thinking of them as I redo my outline for the story!**

**CHAPTER 5: YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT?!**

It was around five or so in the morning when Persephone knocked on my door. "Sally Jackson! It's time to work!"

I sighed quietly, put on some clothes, and headed out to the Throne Room.

Hades was sitting on his butt in his throne, Persephone right beside him in a throne of flowers and cherry blossoms.

"Good morning, Sally," Hades said, smiling evilly.

"Morning," I yawned. "Okay. What's my task for today?"

"Well…" Hades pulled out a huge scroll of all my stuff I had to do. "Onto task two. Persephone, get me the toilet cleaner."

Persephone made a face, but walked out of the room.

"Sally, your task is to clean the toilets in my house. Especially my toilet. Gods, it hasn't been cleaned in ages. There's bacteria growing inside of the bowl, and it's disgusting. In fact, it's so disgusting that I had to get used to crapping somewhere else."

It honestly didn't sound that hard to me. I had to clean up worse: Gabe's poker party trash; Percy's vomit when he was little. Once Tyson and Percy were playing tag, and Tyson had knocked out a tooth. Blood was spurting everywhere, but I'd been through worse.

Persephone led me into hers and Hades' bedroom. "This is our bathroom. Nice, eh? Well, you haven't seen anything yet." She smirked as she said this, so I was a bit concerned.

I walked over to the toilet. It didn't look that disgusting. I got down on my knees, sprayed the blue liquid into the toilet, then followed Persephone to the other five bathrooms in the house.

This task didn't seem too hard, and I was right.

"It'll take you…probably about an hour," said Persephone. "Maybe less depending on how well you clean the toilets and I'm nice and decide to help you."

"That would be nice," I told her, spraying another toilet with blue liquid.

"Well, with that attitude," Persephone snapped at me, "I won't help you. Oh, and Demeter's coming over tonight, so I want everything spotless. If it's not, forget about achieving Elysium. You'll feel Lord Hades' wrath upon your ass!" She cackled and left the room.

My next bathroom had the door shut already. I knocked. "Hello?" I called out.

"Who's there?" a man's voice asked.

"Sally Jackson, servant of Lord Hades and Lady Persephone."

"Kind of taking a dump right now!" the voice replied.

"Who are you? You sound like one of Percy's friends."

"I'm Nico di Angelo, son of Hades and Maria di Angelo. I hate my father because he's a jerk and I…hate him." It was as though he couldn't think of anything worse to say about his father.

"Well," I said after an awkward-ass pause, "could you tell me when you'll be done…uh…crapping?"

"Sure! Seph making you clean the toilets?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll let you in on a little secret. But if you'd like to know, go to my bedroom and get me some…reading material. I think I'll be here a while."

I ran into Nico's room. His room smelled like a boy's room, like smelly clothes were dangling off the bed and dirty clothes were strewn all over the floor.

I quickly spotted a book on Roman mythology, and brought it back to the bathroom. I shoved it under the door.

"I'm still pooping here!" Nico yelled at me.

"Not my problem!" Wow, that was way out of character for me! But I was mad. I wanted to get this damn task over with so I could sleep. Sleeping sucks in the Underworld.

I heard a loud groan and Nico yelled. "ERR! Okay, I'm done! I'll show you how to clean the toilets…the easy way."

Nico came out of the bathroom, and led me to the kitchen.

"Oh, good! I'm hungry," I said, but Nico shoved a hand out.

"Not yet, Ms. Jackson! You'll get food if you follow every command I give you!"

I sighed. "Fine. What do I need to do, Nico?"

A few minutes later, I was standing next to—apparently—the Underworld's ultimate sewer system: the River Shittus—the River of Bodily Waste.

"See that?"

"Yeah."

"That's the River of Bodily Waste," Nico explained. "Basically all of poop and urine from the Underworld bathrooms comes in here."

"Ugh!" I whined. "It smells like someone puked in there!"

"It holds that, too," Nico said matter-of-factly. "Now, come on. This way."

He led me to another river, about a mile away from the River Shittus. "This is the River Aqua," Nico said. "The River of Fresh Water. You see that fork in the path?"

"Yeah."

"So once you flush the toilets in the Underworld, they'll enter the Pipes of Sadness. Those pipes carry the stuff in the toilets to either the Shittus or the Aqua. But here's the thing. The Shittus is way thicker than the Aqua, which is totally narrow. If any water passes into the Aqua, it'll become clean within a few minutes.

"When a toilet backs up, the Shittus will reactivate and send the contents back up the pipes."

He lost me about three hours ago.

"Right," I said. "So, what's your point?"

"Grab the bucket over there."

In the center of the shore was a blue pail with a shovel, sort of like a toy on the beach Percy would play with when he was little.

"Now, scoop up as much of the Aqua as you can. Then walk back to the Palace of Hades and dump this water in the toilets. You'll see them clean instantly, 'cause it's fresh water. Anything disgusting in there will disappear."

Before I could thank him, he was gone.

"Yeah," I said. "You walk me down here but you don't walk me back. Not a very heroic move, Heracles!"

I scooped up the water in the blue bucket, and walked back to the Palace of Hades. Inside, I saw Persephone and Nico in the middle of an argument. Silently, I slipped into one of the bathrooms, and poured a couple scoops of the River Aqua into the toilet.

Immediately, the toilet started to magically clean itself. All of the grime disappeared.

I knew it was too good to be true, because right when I was getting ready to leave, the toilet began to run.

In no time, I was covered from head to toe in urine, poop, and vomit. But I poured some water on my body, and I was as clean as a whistle.

Nico and Persephone ran into the bathroom.

"So," said Persephone, "what did you think of the River Aqua?"

"Awful," I growled. "It did absolutely nothing!"

Nico shrugged. "I guess I should've told you that you needed to mix it with some vinegar first."

**A/N: Just so we're clear: there is no River Shittus or River Aqua. Pretty good names, right?**


	6. Chapter 6: The Court's in Session

**Sorry about the long update. I'll try to get it done soon next time. I was in Vacation Bible School at my church, and I gotta tell ya, those kids will WEAR YOU OUT!**

**CHAPTER 6: THE COURT'S IN SESSION**

Persephone's motherly-goddess voice woke me up around…oh…six-thirty the following morning. I didn't sleep very well, because I was wondering what task I would be assigned to today.

After eating a small breakfast, Hades called me into his study.

"So, congratulations on the whole toilet thing yesterday. Tell me the truth, now. Did you cheat?"

"Well, Nico helped…a little bit."

"A little bit," Hades repeated, like he was thinking about whether Nico was a good son to him or not. "Well, I'll yell at him later. In the meantime, please take this list of names."

I read down the list. It contained a bunch of celebrities.

_Logan Lerman_

_Douglas Smith_

_Brandon T. Jackson_

The list went on.

"You're killing off the Percy Jackson cast?" I snapped.

"Well, you'll love their stories. You'll be judging their souls today. Just don't be too harsh on them. They're pretty sensitive ever since I sent Thanatos to do my bidding for me. Off with you! Thanatos! Take Ms. Jackson to the Judgment Pavilion!"

A thin guy who kind of looked like a skeleton walked up to me. In a creepy voice, he said, "Come, Ms. Jackson. Your task awaits you."

I had a feeling I wasn't getting out of this one the easy way.

"So, we switch up the judges sometimes," said Thanatos, his breath foul in my nose. "So, you'll be taking place of one of them. Your task is simple: to judge this whole list of celebrities. Once you've completed the list, you'll be released for today. And you'll do another task tomorrow."

"Uh…okay."

Thanatos led me to a throne, where I sat down. In front of me was a long desk, which was also occupied by two other dead people: William Shakespeare and Ray Bradbury. I wasn't a huge fan of either of their works, so I kept my trap shut.

The first person on the list came up, Logan Lerman.

"Ah, Mr. Lerman!" yelled Shakespeare in a crisp voice. "Methinks…since thou played Percy Jackson so well…thou shalt go to Elysium."

Logan Lerman bowed and left.

"What'd he die of?" I asked Shakespeare.

"He was caughtith in bed with another woman, so his wife killedith him!" Shakespeare cackled.

Once we'd gotten through the cast of Percy Jackson, I caught site of a young girl who looked strangely familiar. I glanced at the list. The name CLARISSE LA RUE came into focus.

"Clarisse?" I asked her.

"That's right, punk."

"What happened to you?"

"Sally," said Ray Bradbury, who was sitting to the left of Shakespeare, "you can take this one."

I nodded, then turned back to Clarisse.

"What happened to you?" I repeated.

"Well, crazy lady Percy calls his mother, I was on a quest for Ares when I was trampled by some horses, sent by Aphrodite."

I guess Aphrodite doesn't like when her boyfriends cheat on her. Yet she cheats on hers all the time.

"I'm sorry, but since you were a jerk to my son, you'll be going to…" I glanced at the two writers, "…Asphodel. Okay with you guys?"

They nodded. Clarisse's body vanished in a puff of smoke. She struggled a bit, but maybe Hades would visit her later and let her retry for Elysium if she could control her temper. But since she was a daughter of Ares, I guess that was virtually impossible.

Next on the list was some guy I'd never known before. His name was Jason Smith. Below the name, it said why he died and the exact date and time. The time went into the nanosecond zone.

"Mr. Smith," said Bradbury, "it says here you were a loving husband, grandfather, and father. You were also a wonderful human, and you have died peacefully in your sleep. Therefore, we see fit that you have achieved Elysium."

Jason smiled, and limped over toward the Elysian fields.

"Next!" I called. Wow! I didn't normally sound like that!

"Up next is…Ricky Martin," said Bradbury over his glasses.

"And what was his life like?" I asked. We were kind of leaving Shakespeare out of the picture, but that was okay. He smelled weird to me—like a guy in the 1500s.

Shakespeare cleared his throat, but Bradbury cut him off. "He lived an awful life! He killed a bunch of people, then took their money! What an ass!"

"I agree," I replied. "Punishment?"

"Punishment," the two guys agreed.

For my whatever task I was on, it wasn't so bad. I expected it to be something terrible, like brushing Hades' teeth for him.

"Sally Jackson!"

I looked up from my scroll. Thanatos was hovering in front of me, a horrible scythe in his hand.

"Lord Hades has requested you leave this pavilion immediately. There's something he would like to discuss with you."

Instead of flying back to the Palace of Hades like we did that morning, I was forced to walk. It wasn't that long of a walk—about a mile or so.

Thanatos led me into the Throne Room of Hades' palace, where I found Hades on his throne, crying his eyes out. Does Hades cry now? There wasn't a sign of Persephone, so I thought they'd gotten into an argument.

"Lord Hades?" Thanatos addressed, handing him a box of Kleenex.

"Y-yes?" Hades sniffed, dabbing his teary eyes with a Kleenex.

"Sally is here, as you requested," Thanatos replied. "Can I get you anything?"

"A beer," Hades replied.

Thanatos bowed, snapped his fingers, and a beer appeared in Hades' right hand. Hades drank the entire thing before addressing me.

"You're wondering why I summoned you and spared you five more hours of torture," he guessed.

I nodded.

"Well, Sally Jackson, where do you think my wife is?"

"Uh…crying, too?" I ventured.

"No. She has been captured and taken into Tartarus. I must free her before the monsters down there totally devour her! They said it'd take about three days from now. If she's not returned to me in three days, I'll have to find a new queen because she'll be stomach juices by then!"

"Why can't she just snap her fingers and come up here again?"

"Because Persephone's a pretty weak goddess. When she's stuck in a situation, she becomes very vulnerable to nature. She's not good at being alone…outside my palace or Demeter's. That is why I was thinking…if you will rescue my wife, I could let you achieve Elysium. If you bring her back within three days' time, I'll let you go to Elysium. You can frolic and party with all the heroes and great mortals from Ancient Greece all the way to the modern age."

I suddenly remembered something Persephone told me, about how time was much different here than the world of the living. "How will I know when it's been three days?" I asked.

Hades shrank to human size and walked over to me. From his pocket, he pulled out an ordinary watch. "This will tell you when it's been three days. It'll light up when you're almost at the point of finishing."

Thanatos entered the room again.

"Thanatos," said Hades, "please take Sally to her room, and explain our situation to Charon. Oh, and send for two more half-bloods to accompany Sally. She can't do this all by herself; she won't know where she's going. She'll need some heroes' help in finding my…beloved…PERSEPHONE!" He started to cry again, his face in his hands.

"Lord Hades, do you need a hug?" asked Thanatos.

"No, you ass!" yelled Hades. "Fetch two half-bloods! NOW!"

**A/N: To my reviewer and author who's giving me all these ideas:**

**I've planned a whole bunch of stuff for Sally while she's in Tartarus! Very excited to hear your reaction to this chapter!**

**OH, AND PLEASE REVIEW!**


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